How We Started

My teen years left me with great trauma. In my early twenties, I started learning to hear God speak, but my wounded heart caused me to use what God was teaching for self promotion. As I began realizing what I was doing, I spun into ten years of shame. It was an irrational fear that one day God would tire of me, so I kept my distance. My failure and fear caused me to turn to pornography for comfort. This only added to my shame. So I kept my distance from Him. 

God told my pastor to place me in the position of youth pastor in my thirties. So I began teaching the kids what God had taught me all those years before, that God was knowable and He desired a conversational relationship with us. I quickly realized that I had to finally deal with my shame is I was going to demonstrate what a relationship with God looked like. I was afraid, but I decided to get alone with God twice a week. In a short while, God invaded my seeking and told me a scripture to look up. Jesus was calling Peter to be a disciple. He first healed Peter’s mother-in-law, then He shows up and over fills Peter’s nets with fish. Peter responds by telling Jesus that he is a sinner and Jesus should leave him alone. God them told me to look up another scripture. Elijah meets a widow woman in Sidon and multiplies her flower and oil during a time of drought. Later, her son dies and complaining to Elijah, she asks if he came there to remind her of her sin. Elijah then raises the boy from the dead. 

“Father, what are you trying to say to me,” I asked.

His response came quickly, “Jason, you are just like Peter. I was chasing him, and I’m chasing you. And I won’t stop till I catch you.”

This encounter changed my life, and proved beyond a doubt that God is real. Since that time, I have sought God like this on multiple other issues (pornography, chasing approval, finances, and feeling unwanted). Each time He has met me where I was and revealed the judgement and fear I was partnered with. After the last encounter, He reminded me of our history together and then told me that I could do this same pattern with anything I desired, and I would always find success. 

Then, Paul called.